I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
