Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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