My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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