Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
