Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
