omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
