Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
