apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize