Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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