I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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