I am puke
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
