Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
