jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
