how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
