If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
