I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
