i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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