If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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