he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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