some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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