I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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