don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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