The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
