I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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