nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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