Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
