I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
whose ass print is on the piano?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
