I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
