I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
