I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
