Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
