i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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