tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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