I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
