Whod you bang
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
