Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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