i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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