i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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