i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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