i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
