i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
