just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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