...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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