if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
