every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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