I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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