eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
