I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
