This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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