the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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