it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
we're so committed to being not committed
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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