Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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