We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
