So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
