i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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