I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
