had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
