Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
