we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
