your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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