jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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