Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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