A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
